Reclaiming the Term “Swinger”
Language is powerful. It unites, divides, and, most importantly, shapes how we see ourselves and how others see us. Over the years, certain words have carried negative connotations, creating stigmas that linger long after their initial usage. For those of us in the ethically non-monogamous (ENM) community, one of those words is swinger. But just like queer in the LGBTQ+ community and slut in the sex-positive movement, I feel swinger is ripe for reclamation.
Words are not just labels — they can be powerful symbols of identity
Words are not just labels—they're powerful symbols of identity. The LGBTQ+ community has long understood this. Once a slur, queer was reclaimed as a badge of pride, a way for individuals to define themselves on their own terms. Similarly, in recent years, we've seen a push to reclaim the word slut — not as something shameful but as a symbol of sexual agency and freedom. Think about the rise of SlutWalks or movements like Amber Rose's "Slut Shaming" campaign. These efforts have opened up important conversations around sexuality, consent, autonomy, and, in that case, violence. I have also embraced the term with my co-founded group, The Sacred Sluts — a group of spiritually-minded women practicing non-monogamy.
What does this mean for the word swinger? When people hear the word, they often imagine a bunch of people swapping partners at a '70s key party: gaudy gold chains, bad lighting, and tacky outfits. These outdated stereotypes persist despite the fact that modern-day swinging looks very different. Well, a few tacky outfits may persist, but we do embrace self-expression. :)
I am a slut. I am a swinger.
I propose that it’s time we start reclaiming the word. Though we have embraced the term the lifestyle within the community, its vagueness is not helpful to those outside. Lifestyle already means something in the vanilla world: a lifestyle coach in the vanilla world is someone who focuses on health and fitness, and lifestyle brands represent luxury.
So, why would we need to communicate what we are to others when many of us keep this aspect of our lives a secret? We keep it secret so no one knows about it or us, leading to no one learning that it’s much more than its many myths and stereotypes. Embracing the word may also mean embracing who we are. Precisely. I am a slut. I am a swinger.
It’s time to change minds.
This is something I have recently been hard at work at — going on vanilla podcasts, writing a book (out by the end of this year), and educating the vanilla community that we are not just about hedonism and sex but that we are about community and friendship. Yes, we value and take part in sexual pleasure, and we value and practice self-expression, including but definitely not limited to sexual expression, but all of that happens in the context of the bigger picture: the community.
When I educate others about ethical non-monogamy, my first lesson is that there are mainly two camps under that umbrella — polyamory and swinging, with everything in between - because we get to define our relationships for ourselves. Most have heard of polyamory and, in fact, often equate ENM with polyamory. When I explain swinging further, dispel some myths, and explain the community we enjoy, their minds are almost literally blown. “This is so different than I ever imagined,” they say.
It’s time to change minds. For those of us who practice ENM in its many forms, swinging is not about debauchery or indiscretion — it’s about connection, honesty, and shared experiences. Yet, thanks to decades of misrepresentation, swinger often conjures up an image that’s far removed from the reality of the loving, committed, and ethical relationships we nurture.
As we bring ourselves out from the shadows, embracing our community and sexual freedoms, let’s embrace and redefine the word swinger. Much like how queer was once weaponized to diminish a community, swinger has been used to invalidate those of us in the lifestyle. The term keeps us in the shadows because we are even afraid to use it. Just like the LGBTQ+ community reclaimed queer to reflect their diversity and resilience, it’s time we do the same with swinger.
By hiding in the shadows then that is where we will stay
So, how do we go about reclaiming this word? It starts with shifting the narrative — both within our community and beyond. We can begin by challenging the negative stereotypes and educating others on what swinging really is. A difficult task, no doubt, as this involves sharing with our non-lifestyle friends and communities when possible. Unfortunately, we live in a reality where we might be jeopardizing our jobs, living arrangements, or relationships, and I am sympathetic to this. Of course, we must use good judgement, and also, I propose we share more of ourselves with those that are safe. Thoughtfully, but when possible. The truth is that by hiding in the shadows from everyone, then that is where we will stay.
We shared somewhat recently with our teenagers (16 and 18) about our open relationship. As we suspected, they already suspected. “Our generation doesn’t really care about stuff like that,” they said. We explained that we understood and appreciated that AND that some of the parents of their generation still do. We told them that while it isn’t a secret, and we are not ashamed, we still encourage them to be thoughtful about who they share it with. Of course, since this is my career, I have more reason to share with others.
At its core, swinging is about consensual, open relationships where communication is key and sexuality is embraced. It’s not about promiscuity or betrayal; it’s about living authentically with trust and transparency. Much like those of us who embrace the word slut are asserting control over our sexual identities, we can reclaim swinger to reflect the values we hold dear: mutual respect, consent, and joy in exploring relationships and sexuality together.
The more we open up, the more we can shape the narrative in a way that feels authentic to us.
Reclaiming a word doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, conversation, and, often, a whole lot of uncomfortable moments. But that’s how change happens. We can take lessons from the LGBTQ+ community and the sex-positive movement, recognizing that reclamation starts with us.
Next time someone uses the word swinger in a negative or dismissive way, think of it as an opportunity. Gently correct them. Explain how swinging in modern ENM isn’t about mindless partner-swapping but about building a new kind of intimacy and trust. Share your story if it feels right. The more we open up, the more we can shape the narrative in a way that feels authentic to us. This was the premise for the launch of my podcast, The Examined Lives of the Secret Wives, where we, myself and my polyamorous and ex-LDS co-host and friend, wanted to correct how our community may get misrepresented in the reality TV Show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Case in point: The show leverages the negative and scandalous nature of the term, swinger, for their profit. Grrrrrr.
Reclaiming swinger is about more than just a word. It’s about taking ownership of who we are and how we love. It’s about showing the world that our relationships are just as valid, just as beautiful, and just as sacred as anyone else’s. Let’s wear the word swinger with pride, knowing that it reflects not just our sexual freedom but our commitment to living authentically and honestly — together. #SwingerPride
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