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Help, I'm Addicted to Porn!
By Therapist & Sex Coach Matt Valentine-Chase for ASN Lifestyle Magazine
All addiction is based in anxiety.
You know, if you know me, I often start my articles with the conclusion. Let's get to the point, right?
Often when clients approach a sex coach or therapist with a porn 'addiction,' they will, understandably, be expecting practical tips to limit porn consumption, such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Technique, not the other CBT wink-wink) or some kind of hypnosis / therapeutic technique that directly addresses it. Many therapists, maybe even most, will happily oblige. They also think that if you directly address the 'addiction,' then you can reduce it.
Excuse my arrogance; this rarely works.
Sure, if the porn is an obvious distraction from an unhappy relationship etc., it makes sense. The techniques may work. Let's look at this deeper, though, the word 'distraction.' Most therapists will understand that the porn is a distraction, but many miss what we are distracting ourselves from.
It's Anxiety. Really.
The cause of the anxiety may be useful to know, but there's a better way to identify the root cause of any apparent addiction. That is to feel beneath it.
Here's where I step in with my arrogance. I rarely address the client's apparent addiction, aside from hearing them and reflecting it back so they know I've heard them. I, more often than not, 'tune in' to them (I'm a psychic healer in addition to being a counsellor) and have an energetic, intuitive dig around. I always find anxiety.
So, I will gently point this out, then I will teach mindful practice, breathing techniques, etc., depending on the client. This supports them to feel what is going on physically, which helps to make a connection with the stress, anxiety, and maybe even depression.
This often is met with a 'wow, I didn't know that was there.'
So, the journey begins into feeling beneath the surface. The 'homework' for the client is then to continue daily meditation, following the breath, whatever works for them, and to allow the anxiety. I advise this to be included even when the client wants to, or does, watch porn. I ask that they feel their body first and say out loud, 'Yes, I can feel the anxiety, and I'm watching porn to distract myself from it.'
Try it.
See what happens to the anxiety. Hint: You will experience it differently. Big important point — try not to judge yourself. Treat your 'addiction ' like you would a small child doing something you know may not be the best right now, but you also know you're going to do it anyway. With a watchful, parental, unconditional look — you just watch the behavior whilst feeling the anxiety as deeply as you can.
Disclaimers and Advice
Now, disclaimer and advice — probably better to make sure you're seeing a (good) therapist first, or in the least, a supporting friend, because when we first re-connect with the anxiety, it can be triggering. So this isn't medical or therapeutic advice as such; it is a tip to help us all (including me) to look at 'addiction' differently.
They say we need to get to the root cause of a problem to heal it. “They” being mainly therapists. I agree. However, many therapists miss a layer or two out, so that root never gets dug up.
Let's dig that root up, with kindness.
Remember, we need to feel the anxiety to release it. That's the key, though — we do need to release it, not just feel it. The breathing techniques I teach seem unrelated; they're not. They enable us to connect with the anxiety — then breathe it out. It is much better when facilitated by a professional — second disclaimer.
I often hesitate to share deeper therapeutic approaches because I really don't want you to be deep-diving that rabbit hole without professional support. I do hope, though, that this small share of an alternative approach to 'addiction' is useful.
We are human, as such, filled with the flaws of the human condition: Complex, layered, vulnerable, and fragile.
Be kind to yourself, for you are stunning in your beauty.
Much Love, BIG Hug,
The London Sex Coach xXx
Matt Valentine-Chase is a therapist and coach. He works internationally online at www.sexcoaching.london. Twitter: @IAmMattVC
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to be used in replacement for qualified therapeutic or medical advice. Please seek the appropriate practitioner for this.
This article originally appeared in the February 2023 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.
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