Hey Goddess, I want you to own your orgasm. It’s your body, and I want you to know how to use it to its fullest potential. I want you to be activated. I want you to be switched on. I want you to feel sexy, always — because you deserve it. I want you to own your orgasm, fully. You deserve all the pleasure that life has to offer. Let me show you how.

Embrace Your Sacred Sexual Energy

In your life, through the navigation between lovers, partners, fuckboys, sugar daddies, and missed connections, you’ve now probably come to learn that your sensual potential lies in your hands. Your sexual expression is your own and your pussy is the portal to life, love, and an exponential amount of power. When your pleasure and body are realized as the portal to your sacred feminine strength, you will be ushered into owning not only your body, but your voice — and she is ready to roar! Take a breath. You are now a sexually charged woman, and that is an exceptional power to harness indeed. It’s why we still drool over images of Sophia Loren, Marilyn Monroe, and Naomi Campbell. It’s why Frida created timelessly charged artwork that you feel in your loins, why Mary Magdalene and the order of the serpent were written out of the Bible, and why the patriarchal systems and institutions try to take away our autonomous body rights by making abortion illegal, demonizing sacred plant medicine like cannabis, and taxing our feminine hygiene products. It’s because you are a powerhouse of the sacred, the divine, and the feminine; a living history of the witches, the midwives, the flappers, the geishas, and the feminine muses that came before us. You are an ecstatic Goddess, you are sexual, you are sensual, and now that you know how it feels to feel good, the bar has been set for you to never accept anything into you other than the exceptional, sacred energy exchange of knowing not only what you want but also how you want it.

Mindful Pleasure

Owning your orgasm is about mindful pleasure. Mindfulness is the practice of keeping your mind and body present in the moment that you are experiencing. When combined with sex, mindfulness is the intentional, blissful exchange of sexually activated energy. It’s about owning your activation, your power and claiming your body as your own and in the present. When we combine sex with mindfulness, it becomes an ecstatic eroticism of bigger orgasms, and deeper pleasure had by everyone involved. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a really great time to me!

Here’s how to own your orgasm:

Exercise: Own Your Orgasm with Mindful Masturbation

I want you to own your orgasm. What does that mean? It means that you are confident in your ability to navigate your body through the experience of intimate pleasure. It is that you are able to communicate effectively to a lover what your personal path to pleasure looks like — with orgasmic conviction! 

It means that you are not “thanking” your lover for “giving you” an orgasm. No, no, no. It means that you look at them directly in their eyes once you’ve come down from a delicious climactic experience and you turn to them and say, “You’re welcome,” for they were just gifted the experience of your pleasure. One way that we can own the relationship with our bodies is to not shy from experiencing it fully with ourselves. This means that unless you are able to explore what turns you on and what your recipe for pleasure looks like, how can you expect another chef to effectively cook in your kitchen? I call it self-pleasure, popping a beaner, rubbing one out, or more commonly it is known as masturbation. Touch yourself. It’s okay. This is your body, and you are allowed to own it.

Instructions to Self-Pleasure

For the purpose of this exercise, pleasure just using your hands.

1. Touch your body, as hopefully it has become activated from your sensate focus practice. This time, touch your genitals with the intention of experiencing sensual pleasure.
2. Massage your labia — outer, then inner.
3. Now, focus in and around your clitoris.
4. Start slowly, and as it feels natural, build up speed and pressure. Play around with various hand techniques, such as using your entire palm or two fingers; speeds; and levels of pressure in, on, and around your vulva.
5. With your other hand, massage other parts of your body, such as your breasts or neck, and breathe. As you exhale, push your breath toward your genitals and notice the energy that is building up around it.
6. When it feels natural, take your free hand and tease the opening to your vagina. Begin to slowly insert a finger into your vagina. Take a moment to tease your vaginal opening before fully penetrating yourself with love.
7. Focus your attention on what your body is feeling like. It may be easiest to achieve orgasm by tensing your vaginal muscles and pulling into yourself as you begin the climactic journey. You’ll notice that the easiest way for you to have an orgasm is to tense your pelvic area; however, a key to achieving multiple orgasms is through pushing out and relaxing your pelvic area. Try not to tense!
   1. Squeezing the Kegel muscles leads many people to climax quickly. At first, it may take longer for you to climax with this “pushing out” technique, but if you are interested in deep or multiple orgasms, the position you want your vagina to be in is relaxed, released, and pushed outwards.
8. Sustain the arousal, but the orgasm is not necessary. If you’re touching yourself and it feels good, then honour that. A common misconception is that you always have to have an orgasm for sex to be great! If you don’t come to orgasm, that is okay. This is a pleasure practice that I encourage you to engage in weekly. However, if you do come to orgasm, try to sustain your state of arousal. Don’t force your pleasure to end. Let your body slowly awaken and respond to the rush of feel-good pouring through it. If you’re ready and are going for some climactic glory, then go for it, sister! Once you’ve come back from orgasmic bliss, be sure to continue touching yourself, kiss yourself, massage yourself, and love yourself for the experience that you just led your body on.

The Juicy, Delicious Rewards

You love your body. Your body, it loves you too. Bringing this practice into your self-care routine leads to a plethora of juicy and delicious rewards. Being mindful in your self-pleasure practice can actually help to reignite your ability to lubricate more (if that was a challenge), as it encourages an increase of blood flow to your genitals. Mindful masturbation also has the potential to allow you to experience other pleasurable responses like ejaculation (squirting) and multiple orgasms. 

Happy orgasms, Goddesses!

This article is an excerpt from the publication Love: The Women’s Guide to Not F*cking Settling by Carlen Costa and is republished here on SDC.com with permission and distribution by the author.