While many new couples are excited about participating in the Lifestyle and attending parties and events, countless couples who enter this brave new world often find themselves experiencing more drama than the fun they were expecting.

The drama almost always comes from a case of not knowing what they don’t know. Many couples find their way into my Lifestyle Sex Coaching practice after stumbling out of the gate and realizing that participation in the Lifestyle and sexual engagement with others requires a lot more communication skills than they're used to. Believe me, the last thing these couples want to do is mess up the life they've built outside of the bedroom when all they were looking for was a little sexual excitement and spark in the bedroom.

So, how can you prepare yourself for this exciting (and delicate) new chapter in your life, and start to have more fun and less drama at sex parties and events?

Read on for my tips on how you can enjoy all the amazing benefits the Lifestyle has to offer your relationship!

How to Have More Fun at Sex Parties

Do you have a desire to re-ignite your sex life outside the box of society’s monogamist norms? If so, you’re not alone!

As a Sexologist, understanding how individuals and couples get their sexual needs met is my business. One of the biggest trends I’m seeing in my Sex Coaching practice is professional couples embracing progressive open relationship styles like Swinging, aka The Lifestyle, and other varieties of Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM).

In 2014 and again in 2018, researchers estimated that 4-5%¹ of the United States and Canadian population was involved in Consensual Non-Monogamy relationships. That might sound like a small number of people, but that’s over 16 Million people! To put that number into context — there are more participants in the Lifestyle than the entire bisexual, lesbian, and gay population combined. From my vantage point, I think that number is conservative and continues to grow year over year.

While new couples are excited about delving head-first into Lifestyle sex parties and events, their initial experiences might not be quite as sexy and thrilling as they had hoped and expected.

Drama in the Lifestyle can ensue when people don’t know what they don’t know. Often, when couples approach me for Lifestyle Sex Coaching, they’ve already stumbled out of the gate and realized that their enjoyment and sexual engagement with others in the Lifestyle requires a lot more communication skills than they’re used to.

There is a lot at stake for couples: emotional intimacy, assets, family, and friends. They don’t want to mess up their relationship and the lives they’ve built with each other. Sex (yes, even consensual) can be a polarizing issue that puts everything a couple has built at risk.

That said, for those pioneering couples who enter the Lifestyle with an attitude of learning as much as they can at the beginning of their journey — attending sex parties, clubs, hotel takeovers, and Lifestyle resorts can become an exhilarating way of life.

So, how can you confidently embark on this exciting new adventure in your relationship?

How to Navigate Sex Parties & Events

Questions surface when a couple decides to attend their first sex party, club, or event, which I collectively call “Sex-Positive Events.”

I like to think of Sex-Positive Events as the Sandbox for Grownups. Fun will be had, mistakes will be made, people will grow, and let’s try not to do any harm while we’re making new friends. Knowledge and communication light the way for you and your partner’s confidence and comfort.

By asking questions beforehand, you and your partner(s) will have an easier time enjoying yourselves because you are coming from a solid foundation of communication and trust.

What Questions Should You Ask Before a Sex-Positive Event?

Take a look at the list below for some of the most popular questions — and some of the more important — you should ask yourself and your partner before attending any Lifestyle event.

Popular questions include:

• Will I be safe?
• What will others expect of me?
• What if I get jealous?
• How do I say YES or No to sexual offers?
• What will we do / not do? 
• What goes on and what kind of people attend these events?
• What if I meet someone who knows me from my normal vanilla life?
• What should we know going in to make sure we have a good time?

If there are questions you don’t know the answer to, take the time to discuss and do some research! Being well-informed will go a long way in your ability to relax and have a good time. In doing so, you are less likely to be surprised, caught off guard, or in a situation you aren’t sure how to handle.

By knowing what to expect, you can take care of yourself and your relationship BEFORE you go to a Sex-Positive Event.

What IS Consent, Exactly?

Consent is an essential skill you will need if you want to have a good time at Lifestyle events. Consent is what gives you physical and emotional safety. It’s not just about the GIVING of permission to do something to or with someone, but also the GETTING permission to do those things.

In the context of attending a Sex-Positive event, you’re very likely to meet people who are interested in playing with you or who you’re interested in pursuing. How you handle those delicate and exciting conversations speaks volumes about you.

So, what do you need to do?

Master Your Ability to Give a Clear YES or NO.

When you do, you are advocating for your own physical and emotional safety. Being able to confidently give a yes or no will help you feel safe and in control. And believe me when I say, if you feel safe, you are going to have a much easier time enjoying yourself. 

When you are clear and quick with your YESes and your NOs, you will find people at the event who want what you want, and you’ll be much more likely to have a good time. 

An important element of consent that many of us don’t learn, is how to ACCEPT someone declining your invitation to touch or play.

Can You Accept a “NO” Graciously?

A person’s YES or NO is their way of communicating what makes them feel comfortable. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they respond to someone else’s “NO.” 

When a person’s consent skills are clear, they are better play partners in and out of the playroom. Being able to confidently receive a “NO” shows your respect for others and their safety.

Not sure how to accept a no graciously? I highly recommend people practice with their partner — role play giving a potential playmate a “NO.” Getting comfortable with accepting someone’s NO beforehand can help avoid too much escalation in the moment.

Practice saying NO to each other! Here are some examples:

• No, I don’t want to change location. Can we just stay here for a bit longer?
• No, I’m not up for another drink but I could go for a bottle of water. 
• No, you can’t touch my (fill in the blank), but I would love a kiss/back rub/dance.

If you receive a “no” from someone, recognize that this is their way of taking care of themselves and their well-being. In the same way that you want and deserve to feel safe exploring, so does everyone else. For these events to be fun, everyone needs the freedom to express their needs. 

When I get a NO at Sex Positive parties and events I tell myself the following: Don’t take it personally. Be respectful and move on.  As a Sex Educator I often get to party with my peers at events and we’ve adopted this phrase when responding to a “NO”:  

“I understand...Thanks for taking care of yourself.”  

Start to reframe your experience of getting a NO as a personal rejection and think of it as more of a gift for you to make a great impression and an opportunity for you to move on to another conversation.

Develop & Practice Healthy Boundaries

Think of boundaries as consent with yourself. Define personal boundaries for yourself before showing up.

Without strong, clear boundaries you can feel overwhelmed, even manipulated, by the vibe of the event, what the “cool kids are doing,” and your desire to fit in.

What are your clear YESes and NOs for what you are comfortable with happening at an event?

Once you’re at the event, COMMUNICATE those boundaries. Tell other people what you're interested in doing and not doing; especially as it pertains to sexual play.

Your abilities to have clear yeses and nos with YOURSELF and others will go a very long way to you having the fun experience you seek.  

Conversely, it’s also important that you listen to and respect others’ boundaries as to how they’d like to be treated. (Reread above about accepting “no” graciously.)

Setting and communicating boundaries are invaluable skills that will benefit many other areas of your life.

Just like any skill, this gets easier with practice. So, dig in and learn how to define and express your boundaries!

Check in With Yourself & Your Partner

Your goal is to have a positive experience together. So, what do YOU need before, during, and after the event to have a good time? What do you need to create physical and emotional safety? What does your partner need in those same categories? Equally as important are the “relationship needs” (it’s the third vote between you).

In the world of consent, we love the phrase “communicate early and often!” By communicating readily and frequently, you are likely to avoid a whole lot of potential pain.

Checking in with the physical and emotional safety of you, your partner, and the relationship will determine the success of your event. In fact, this is such an important component that after launching my Sex Positive Event Essentials online course, I created an additional Check-In worksheet to help you navigate these very important areas of review and negotiation.

Review the Details of Your Event

Yes, believe it or not, the details of an event are often overlooked and can make all the difference between a crash and burn experience and a fun, fulfilling one.

Details include venues, attire, themes, what to bring, what will be provided, who’s coming, and knowing the event agenda if there is one.

Once you can get comfortable knowing the type of event and scenario you’re likely to walk into, you and your partner can feel more relaxed and have more fun together.

It Doesn’t Have To Be Difficult!

Attending Lifestyle or Sex-Positive Events can be an incredible way to generate more intimacy with your partner. It can open new lines of authentic communication and create experiences you’ll remember for a lifetime.

That said, many couples mistakenly jump right into the Lifestyle thinking they got this… only to find out the hard way that it’s more complicated than meets the eye.  

I remind my coaching clients and students to remember the hobbies they love best. At first, these same hobbies probably seemed awkward and forced. At some point, these hobbies became second nature and fun after enough practice.

Attending sex parties, events, and resorts can be the same way. Stick with it until you find your emotional stride and confidence.

Yes, there’s much more to learn, like how to behave in and around sex scenes, the types of people you’ll meet, how to approach someone you’re interested in, basic relationship agreements, field tips, and cautionary tales haven’t been covered here in this article.

If you want to learn more about navigating sex parties and events, enroll in my online class, Sex-Positive Event Essentials!

You will learn all you need to know so you and your partner can be ultra-confident at your first or next event! Cheers to having more FUN and less DRAMA at Lifestyle Events!

Article Reference

1. “Updated Estimate of Number of Non-Monogamous People in U.S.” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201905/updated-estimate-number-non-monogamous-people-in-us.