So, you’re going on a tropical Lifestyle Cruise to feel the erotic vibe and explore new people and places with your partner to begin a larger-than-life adventure… Congrats, and welcome to the world of SDC!

We work with couples committed to having an extraordinary relationship of their choosing and would like to be your relationship tour guides as you embark on the journey ahead.  

This is the first in a new series that will offer you a practical blueprint for how to protect your relationship while you are spicing it up in the often-uncharted territory of the psycho-emotional-spiritual realm of erotic intimacy.

Erotic Intimacy

First, let’s do a gut check:

Erotic Intimacy can be a spiritual gift that takes your relationship to new depths of emotional and psychological connection as we reveal core aspects of ourselves through the language of sexuality. Mutual consent, unconventionality, organic, raw, spontaneous, creativity, imagination, and fantasy: all good.

Awesome, right?

Yes… AND…

Here’s what’s also true, but often not respected as much as it needs to be:

Erotic Lifestyle = Nuclear Reactor

Being in the erotic lifestyle is like having access to a nuclear reactor: It can light a city or implode one.

It can add spice, variety, adventure, fun, novelty, personal, and relationship growth and deep meaningful friendships; or it can lead to a disaster if you don’t manage it the way it needs to be. We know. We’ve helped many couples pick up the pieces after a breakdown even when all intentions were good.

Fortunately, your tour guides have logged a lot of coaching and therapy hours on this topic and are prepared to ensure your prep for the adventure of a lifetime goes as planned.

How to Prepare Yourself and Your Relationship for Erotica?

Knowledge is power only if you have the right information. Then, apply what you learn to “what you don’t know, you don’t know” -- often in the realm of “blind spots” that can bite you hard when least expected. Accessing “what you didn't know, you didn’t know” is where wisdom comes from.

Said another way, we will guide you on this journey and coach you to experience the best parts of an erotic lifestyle to infuse your partnership with passion, not new problems.

But, the first step in preparing for the adventure an erotic lifestyle can offer is to ask smart questions of yourself first, and then ask your partner by having several crucial dialogues that this article will guide you to have.

The LIC – Lifestyle Inventory Check-Up©

There are seven specific areas of “smart questions” you and your partner can ask yourself to make sure the nuclear reactor of the erotic lifestyle “lights” your relationship house for years and moments to come!

We have designed a unique assessment tool called the Lifestyle Inventory Check-Up© or LIC that will ask you the right questions so you and your partner will be in the right conversation to best prepare you to design a love map of each other’s erotic world (The full LIC will be the topic of a separate article and you can download it for free!).

Importantly, the LIC can be used for newbies or senior veterans in the erotic lifestyle. Communication characterized by vulnerability, depth, full openness, and transparency are prerequisites for trust and mutual respect -- both the sine qua non of becoming Soul-Mates for Life©.

Quick coaching tip: Ask yourself these questions without judgment and with curiosity!

Here is a description and key questions to delve into to prepare yourself and your relationship for the path ahead:

Alignment

Your first task is to ask yourself the “why” question and be clear and explicit with each other as to what “purpose” participating in the erotic lifestyle serves for each of you. This is essential to decrease the anxiety of vulnerability around the normal questions this decision will trigger like: “Do we have a problem I don’t know about?” Or “Why do you desire someone or something that I can’t give you?” The answer to these questions provides emotional safety that creates the certainty necessary to explore freely absent the fear something is missing or “I lack what my partner is wanting.”

Ask yourself:

• Why am I interested in the Erotic Lifestyle?
• What is/are your personal reason(s) for choosing to participate in the Erotic Lifestyle?
• Are you trying to fix a problem or put something into your relationship that is missing? If so, what’s missing? Are you complying to please or placate your partner?

Unfiltered Communication

Some of the strongest couples we work with are those committed to an Erotic Lifestyle. Why? The vulnerability they create with each other. Couple’s in the Lifestyle who use the experience to enrich their relationships have NO MISSING OR INCOMPLETE conversations! They talk about EVERYTHING in an emotional climate of non-judgment, mutual respect for differences (even if they feel weird or scared to say it out loud) and are open and curious versus secretive about their desires, motives, needs, fantasies, and experiences they want through the Erotic Lifestyle.

Success Formula: Vulnerability + Emotional Safety = Trust and Bonding

Ask yourself:

• Can you speak openly about all topics or do you censor yourself and say what you think is safe and acceptable?
• What are your real desires, wishes, fantasies, arousal needs, and what does “erotic play and fun” look like to you?
• What conversation “should” happen before you experience an erotic encounter together?

Conflict

We believe conflict is opportunity and growth waiting to happen… if you know how to fight well and fight fair! It is important to set the conditions for success in the Erotic Lifestyle by accepting upfront that what is, is; meaning that “shit happens” and you cannot predict or anticipate every nuance that will occur. You can minimize those situations by asking smart questions and committing to a process for “how to” resolve conflict better (stay tuned for another article and video series on that!).

The commitment is not to have all the answers but to turn toward one another to learn and grow from each experience you encounter on the journey together.

Ask yourself:

• What is our strategy for positively dealing with breakdowns and/or disconnects?
• How will we “repair” if a conflict or disagreement happens? (i.e., specific action steps you will both take regardless of what happens)?
• How will we deal with incompatible interests, preferences and likes (i.e., “I like to play with other couples” vs. “I only want to watch others play”)?

Sexuality vs. Eroticism

A very important distinction we teach is the difference between Sexuality vs. Eroticism: Sex is more about frequency, duration, quality, and performance; whereas Eroticism is much more about desire, imagination, creativity, and connection.  

Another way to understand the difference is that with sexuality you bring technique and tactic to improve, with eroticism you bring soul and sensuality. Both are necessary, but neither sufficient to have a satisfying and fulfilling relationship where both people’s needs are met.

Ask yourself:

• What type of sexual experiences are you interested in pursuing alone/together/with others? What are your primary/secondary turn-ons and turn-offs?
• What type of erotic experiences turn you on/off that you want to explore? What erotica would you like to have more/less of in your relationship?
• Where on the monogamy-polyamory continuum are you most/least comfortable?

Boundaries

Relationships thrive or dive on the clarity of their boundaries. Essential for positive erotica in the Lifestyle is for there to be mutual understanding, full and complete communication and explicit conversation about “what’s OK and what’s not OK” in all aspects of the lifestyle you have interest in exploring together.

This is where it gets down to the nitty-gritty of what my “emotional safety zone” looks like, why it’s that way, where the comfort zone is, and where the red zone of NO-GO enters the picture.  

Boundaries are essential because they give a couple a blue print and permission for how to manage the intense arousal and incoming stimuli you will be exposed to in Erotic Lifestyle situations. They serve the purpose of “keeping certain things in” and “keeping certain things out” that are aligned with your core values, driving needs and fantasy/imagination -- all a delicate alchemy that must be carefully balanced for success.

Ask yourself:

• What am I comfortable with/not comfortable with, how often, where and why? (i.e., partner preferences, three-ways, couples, f/f, m/f/m, f/m/f, kink, voyeurism, play together/separate) Be specific, no holding back here!
• What do I need to feel physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually safe? Why is that important?
• Are there any “rules” that would decrease anxiety or uncertainty I have about any part of the Lifestyle experience?

Agreements

OK -- now that you are aligned, have unfiltered transparent conversations, a plan for breakdowns and conflict, a map of interests, likes and preferences and clarity around boundaries to keep your relationship safe and thriving, you need to know exactly what you’re signing up for what are the “do’s” and “do nots.”

Now, this is less about “rules and conformity” and much more about mutual respect and permission you come to consensual agreement about. Then, choose to honor on behalf of respect for your partner and the relationship you value. There’s always three people in every relationship: you, me and us. All parties need a voice and representation, and this is especially true for those who adventure into the exciting and sometimes risky terrain of an Erotic Lifestyle.

Ask yourself:

• What specifically are we agreeing to do and/or not do and why? (Be descriptive: “We only play together in the same room” or “we can play at the same party in different rooms.”)
• What happens if something we agree to doesn’t happen as we agreed? How will we address breakdowns and/or misunderstandings?
• If one of us wants to change the agreement, what do we do and how should we accomplish that?

Rituals and Routines

Preserving the integrity and sanctity of your love is core to nurturing your relationship bond and crucial to a healthy, enduring partnership regardless of where you fall on the erotic continuum. At Soul-Mates For Life, we teach that it’s not about “finding” the right partner, but rather about “becoming” the right partner for who you are with. That asks some things of each individual in a partnership (more to come in another video on this!), but begins with “rituals of connection” that are unique to your relationship. We recommend before going into an Erotic Lifestyle situation to have exclusive bonding time with one another (i.e., good sex, mutual massage, date night, taking the Lifestyle Inventory Check-Up© and talk about it) to form an anchor experience that your playtime can be grounded in.

Remember: Ideally, the erotic lifestyle is not designed to replace something, but to add to an already stable and fulfilling relationship that enhances what you already enjoy. We also suggest that after an erotic playtime a “ritual of connection” is used to integrate, process and reconnect between you ensuring you learn, grow, process, and evolve together on the amazing journey a lifestyle experience can offer to couples that choose it.

Ask yourself:

• What are some of the most fulfilling and meaningful ways you connect with each other?
• What is your primary “love language” or how you experience love and connection together (stay tuned for another video on Love Languages!) and what specific actions can your partner take to “speak” it?
• What will be our “ritual of connection” before and after erotic playtime together?