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Myth No.4: Swingers Are Hiding Deep Psychological Problems

Dr. Jay and Liseth

In this fourth myth-buster installment, we explore the notion that swingers are just trying to hide some deeper psychological problem and don’t respect their partners.

I met a group of swingers on their own turf in their own village and spent a week with them. Following are a series of articles that outline what I believe to be the “5 top myths about swingers” that my clinical training taught me, and I believe is representative of how a lot of people think about this emerging sub-culture who seems to be leading the next sexual revolution.

In this fourth myth-buster installment, we explore the notion that swingers are just trying to hide some deeper psychological problem and don’t respect their partners.

Myth No.4: Swingers are just trying to hide some deeper psychological problem and don’t respect their partners

So, when I agreed to be a guest “expert content contributor” I must admit all of my primitive instincts got triggered. I live with a beautiful Latin woman who was an international model and is a magnet anywhere we go. Quite often, I have to lean into my masculine archetype as well as my martial arts background as a former pro-fighter to cast a protective energy around our space in public.

I thought to myself, “Great… I will be a part-time expert and part-time body guard most likely having to protect my lady from the onslaught of oversexed men who supplement with too much testosterone and enough Cialis on board to supply a small city.” Sometimes, I hate being wrong, but here again was another myth that busted right in my face!

Very contrary to my typical experience in going out socially with my Latina goddess, the level of respect, reverence, and I would have to say honor of both our relationship and my spouse in particular, was compelling and contradictory to my hyper-vigilant protectiveness. To my surprise, despite the highly sexually charged environment with very attractive people wearing very revealing attire, the charge was well modulated, nothing was taken or assumed, there were rules and protocols for social engagement and people actually followed them (e.g., asking permission before approaching, never touching or even offering a hug or kiss without permission, always deferring to both partners with either subtle social cues of respect such as a pause or direct questions and conversations about what someone found interesting or attractive).

Rather than the typical games of sneaking a peak or pretending to be interested in an irrelevant conversation, the “swingers” we met were forthright, straight and unusually respectful with a keen sense of the importance for boundaries and a subtle, yet palpable set of social mores that seem to govern how they interact with each other. Men would say to me, “You have a beautiful wife and are a very lucky man. May I give her a hug?” Women would say to her, “Wow, what a sexy couple you are, would it be OK if I kissed your man on the cheek?”

On the dance floor, if someone was interested in interacting, they would gradually, with a sense of awe and well-modulated seductiveness, move into proximity, smile, put their hand up to gesture a high-five and wink to give us time to either reciprocate interest with tacit permission or simply smile back, turn away and look at one another. No drama. No intrusiveness. No disrespect. And, lots of room for consent and choice regarding what level of interaction, if any, we as a couple chose to have with people. Again, a far cry from the peacock games, drunken idiots, chest puffers and predatory posers at the local bar and club scene.

I felt safer with my gorgeous wife on a lifestyle cruise than I ever felt in any chic Miami club!

In fact, on the SDC lifestyle cruise I felt safer to leave my partner's side and walk around the ship or have a drink with someone while she sunbathed in a very Latin bikini than I have ever felt at a chic South Florida club in the heart of downtown Miami. I would go as far as saying there was an odd sense of “social chivalry” practiced by most of the men I observed. If a women’s husband walked away from her for whatever reason, another male in a small circle of friends they might be socializing with held that space, non-threateningly, yet quite present. I was reassured by this, and liked it. Interestingly, so too did the women when I asked them about it where many said things I didn’t expect like, “I feel safe here … like I can be a woman.”

It was uncanny and quite strange for me as an alpha male who is very protective of those I love and value to feel this laid-back and relaxed in such an erotically charged social milieu. The questions I mused before embarking on this journey were: “Is it safe here for me to bring my spouse?” “Is she/we going to be hounded by out-of-control sex addicts?” and “What, if any, ethics or moral standards do these people adhere to?” All of these questions were addressed in the most poignant way possible, by experiencing the absence of aberrant sexual behavior in an insanely sexually charged social setting where I expected that such behavior and attitudes would be accepted and endorsed.

Not the case here. To my shock and surprise, once again, another myth had to bite the dust as it were, namely, the swingers' cruise was one of the most “respectful” social environments I had ever experienced, we both had a very enjoyable time and felt completely accepted for whatever limits or boundaries we articulated with anyone who approached us with more than a subtle interest. Here, no means no, yes means we can explore and choose otherwise, and there were explicitly defined “rules of engagement,” some of them even posted in black-and-white letters especially in public “play areas” where only by mutual adult consent did some people engage in sexual play with each other.

Again, to our astonishment, this area was not the most frequented despite it being utilized. Many couples simply joined in large group activities from upscale performances by extraordinary talent, participated in well-presented erotic workshops designed to enhance healthy sexuality and relationship wellness, very hot and erotic dance parties with amazing DJs and themed outfits that were simply fun, and then, receded into the privacy of their cozy cabins to channel the erotic energy directly into a committed relationship with their spouse of a dozen or more years. If there was psychopathology in play for those we spoke with it was appropriately sublimated and the libidinal energy respectfully internalized into a primary relationship where we saw couples come back to life over the course of an 8-day cruise experience.