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Myths About Swingers: Conclusion and Next Steps

Dr. Jay and Liseth

Erotic Intimacy can be a spiritual gift that takes your relationship to new depths of emotional and psychological connection.

Erotic Intimacy can be a spiritual gift that takes your relationship to new depths of emotional and psychological connection as people reveal core aspects of themselves through the language of sexuality. Mutual consent, unconventionality, organic, raw, spontaneous, creativity, imagination and fantasy -- all good, right?

Being in the erotic lifestyle is like having access to a nuclear reactor -- it can light a city or implode one.

We met real couples and experienced a week in their village and learned that for some, the erotic lifestyle can add spice, variety, adventure, fun, novelty, personal and relationship growth, and deep meaningful friendships. And, as we said earlier, naivety is not a disposition you want to embrace when it comes to your most important intimate relationships. This is risky business, and couples are well advised to seek the right counsel and guidance if they are contemplating or actively in the erotic lifestyle. It can lead to a disaster if you don’t manage it the way it needs to be managed. We know. We’ve helped many couples pick up the pieces after a breakdown, even when all the intentions were good. Being in the erotic lifestyle is a lot like having access to a nuclear reactor -- it can light a city or implode one.

We agreed to attend the SDC lifestyle cruise for a few reasons; one being that more and more clients are coming to us who are active in the erotic lifestyle seeking our work with couples in designing a Soul Mate For Life, which are learned skills anyone can master with the right tools. Interestingly, after we got back home, several of my colleagues in the psychology industry questioned me, and in essence, questioned my sanity and professionalism to participate at any professional level with “paraphiles.” I smiled and said, “My professional responsibility is to serve people committed to having extraordinary relationships as they define that… thanks for the advice but I’ll be offering more of my services to the pioneers leading the next sexual revolution.”

Modern relationships need to emerge from the shadows and be allowed to flourish as human interactions evolve...

In fact, the more we research and work with couples the more we see the truth that in today's complex world the traditional models we have inherited are too limiting and ineffective given the failure rates of traditional marriage. Too often people are constricted into prescribed roles where sexual exclusivity as the sole marker of devotion correlates directly to igniting the shadow side of human nature and the carnage it produces. And it seems, the more repressed natural desire and instinct becomes from our relationship experience, the larger the shadow of Eros defiled that it casts in betrayals of all types and expressions. That’s not sustainable.

We are individually responsible to explore and discover our erotic desires. Our failure to do so and then be vulnerable with our partners to share what we need is a primary source for infidelity and ultimately the current divorce rate is as high as it is because people make domestic prisons out of modern marriage. People will get their needs met. One way or another, we seek need fulfillment of that which we deem necessary for our happiness and satisfaction. Desire, and how we navigate that within the confines of our most intimate relationships, is the highest form of solidarity and, we would offer, a very high form of true love and devotion to your partner.

Swingers are serious about love.

The erotic lifestyle isn’t for everyone. Nothing is. However, to ignore or deny that this subgroup of people is not serious about love, life or family relationships, and are a group of sexual deviants that should be dismissed would be embracing the same level of hubris the mainstream American culture did during perpetual civil rights movements to legitimize bi-racial marriage and gay/lesbian/transgender rights for too many decades.

It was wrong then, and it is wrong now for those who seek to redefine modern monogamous love to be summarily dismissed and not taken quite seriously. As a society, our traditional models for what it means to love are failing and must be re-examined. The “swingers,” this brave group of sexual pioneers, are leading the way once again. The "new monogamy" the swinging community is exploring together may offer something unique and potentially transformative, and we are delighted to be a part of that conversation around romantic pluralism.