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The Scary Big Purple Green-Eyed Elephant
It is a fact that anyone in an ethically non-monogamous, monogamous, or polyamorous relationship(s) should resolve jealousy issues before making a commitment.
Don't believe a word of that horse hocky.
The Emotion
Jealousy is an emotion. Period. It's a combination of fear and/or anger. If fear and anger are accepted as "normal," why does the scary big purple elephant with the ugly green eyes (in this case, called jealousy) bring on such shame and guilt, too? Why is jealousy so bad???
Well, it's not.
Depending on which researcher you ask, there are approximately five basic emotions: anger, fear, disgust, sadness, and happiness. These emotions have been hard-wired since primitive times as a means of survival. They are triggered automatically and unconsciously in certain situations. All emotions and emotional words used to describe feelings can fall under one of these five basic categories. Jealousy is such an emotion; your brain is reacting to a perceived danger and reacts to "survive."
The Reaction
Even when all parties understand all rules of engagement, and even when you think you should have gotten used to your partner's "dates" with others, AND even when you, yourself, go out on "dates" without your partner, when your partner goes out with someone, you become undeniably and irrationally triggered. You feel something in your gut or throat, your brain starts firing fast, and messages are flying by: "Will they like their date better than me?" "Maybe they have more fun with someone else?" "What if I'm not special or special enough?" "Maybe they are looking for someone else" and the ol', "What if they abandon me?" are just some of the negative and catastrophizing thoughts we have. Our limbic systems in our brains are screaming, "danger!"
The big purple green-eyed elephant is something that we like to ignore. We often blame ourselves and feel shame when the purple elephant visits, and even though it's difficult to deal with, it is important to understand that the elephant is not only experienced from your point of view, but also your partner's. When the purple elephant is around, people get defensive and start walking on eggshells. Unfortunately, many, if not most, people do not enjoy conflict — so the purple elephant in the room gets ignored. Don't let this happen. The purple elephant feeds on worry and defensiveness and will outgrow the room quickly.
The Solution
Jealousy merits sitting with the feeling and exploring it. Instead of continuing to respond to the trigger, think about the reasons you may be jealous. Becoming aware and wondering about it is the first step to managing jealous feelings (or any feeling, for that matter). Jealousy needs to be respected. Remember, it is a message. The key is to work with your coach to help manage it in healthier ways.
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