By Brenna for ASN Lifestyle Magazine

About six months into our hotwifing adventures, I met Gerard. He and my partner, Brian, had connected on Tinder and Brian felt like we would be a great match. He was in his early 40s, respectful, handsome, and seemed very level-headed as well. The three of us met for drinks and the sexual energy was palpable almost immediately. I knew I wanted to see this guy, and he made it obvious he felt the same about me.

The first time Gerard and I played together was wonderful. He was a total gentleman, met me at his front door with a glass of wine, asked my consent throughout, and put me at ease. Our sex was explosive, to say the least. It was the perfect mix of rough and fun, leaving me smiling ear to ear. When I returned home to Brian, I told him, “I think this one is a keeper! I’m excited about him!” No sooner had those words left my mouth than I started to receive text messages from Gerard, many of which I was not incredibly comfortable receiving.

This is Not "Making Love"

“You are the most beautiful woman. I loved making love to you like that. When can we do that again?” Wait, making love? What was he talking about? As I recalled, there was a lot of hair-pulling, ass slapping, and saying deliciously dirty things to each other. It was certainly not what I would constitute as lovemaking. But I laughed it off, assuming he just wasn’t used to this type of dynamic; therefore, lacked a certain understanding of how we should be speaking to each other. Brian convinced me to explain that boundary before our next play session, which I did. We sat in his kitchen and I explained that although I love compliments (I’m so vain like that), I didn’t feel completely comfortable with some of the verbiage that was used. I provided him with specific examples, and he agreed that he had likely crossed a line. “No worries at all, it won’t happen again.”

The sex with him the second time around was equally as fantastic as the first. He had a way of moving that felt more like dancing in the bed. He made my head swirl with sexual excitement when he put his hands on me. However, moments after the carnal fun ended, he was right back to making me feel uncomfortable. “Come lie on my chest, I want to soak in your beauty.” And “I wish you didn’t have to go home. I feel so connected to you right now.” It felt too familiar, too much like we were jumping into a relationship with each other. It left me with the sense that a completely casual friends-with-benefits arrangement was simply not going to work for this guy.

I broke things off with Gerard only days later, mostly because at the time, I didn’t have the words to express to him exactly how I was feeling. Maybe if I had given him more of a chance to work his way into the dynamic I was looking for, things would have worked out. Although it’s also possible (and even likely, based on our interactions), that he is simply a guy who needs more. I surmised that he needs a certain level of connection in order to feel secure in sexual encounters, and that’s totally understandable. A lot of people are that way. All of that being said, a need for “more” doesn’t typically jive well with a hotwife couple’s need for boundaries.

Lessons in Boundaries & Expectations

One lesson I’ve learned during my time as a hotwife is that not every single guy is cut out to play the bull role. While that’s totally ok and understandable, it’s important to lay out some ground rules ahead of play. This is to ensure that all parties involved feel comfortable with the overall tone of the “relationship.”

Allow me to explain another scenario that happened only a few short months ago. I began talking with a gentleman on the BDSM site we use. He was eloquent, thoughtful, and seemed to be a great fit for me based on his sexual proclivities. I was once again excited by the prospect of playing with him. However, my past experiences encouraged me to dig a little deeper.

I provided the guy with my kik information and asked if we could move the conversation there in order to pick his brain about a few topics. I asked things like, “What is most important to you in a play partner?” and “What are your expectations for frequency of communication?” His answers to both questions were compatible with my own. Then I asked, “In a perfect world, what would this dynamic look like to you long-term?” His response, “Well, I would love if we could get to the point where you’re spending every other weekend with me at my place. I think that’s the only way I will feel completely satiated. I need that time.” While I understood the sentiment and appreciated his candor, that doesn’t work for me. I don’t sleep too well away from Brian and I certainly don’t want to give up any of our precious weekend time together.

This gentleman was a perfect example of an amazing guy who is simply not meant to be a bull (or at least not a bull for me). He wants more than casual and kinky sex. He wants a connection and one that allows him to dive deep into someone else’s space. While that is wonderful for him and will likely make him a great partner for some lovely lady (or ladies), it is not in alignment with what Brian and I are looking for out of a play partner for me.

Wanting and needing more than casual sex is one quality that makes a single guy incompatible with many hotwife couples. Another is being overwhelmed by the entire scenario of playing with a partnered woman. Many guys have told us digitally they are incredibly turned on by the idea of playing with me, a partnered lady. However, when the time comes to sit down with us over a cocktail, 75% of these guys will either flake altogether or make it obvious within the first 10 minutes of meeting us that they aren’t ready for this type of play. They can’t look at either Brian or myself in the eye, they barely speak throughout the meeting, etc. Yes, being a bull and playing with a hotwife sounds so sexy in theory. But the practical application of said play can be distressing if the gentleman is not in the right mental headspace to make it happen properly.

Know What You Want and Wait for It

Of course, there are MANY other reasons that a single guy might not be a good fit for a hotwife couple. But the reasons I’ve outlined here are meant to illustrate something deeper. Gerard was (and still is) a fantastic guy. I so enjoyed much of my time with him, and I still consider him a friend. The fact that he is not cut out to be a bull does not diminish how awesome I think he is. Gerard is proof that everyone needs something different from human interactions, based on a plethora of personal past experiences and life goals. Finding a guy who encompasses what it truly means to be a bull is much more difficult than just finding a cool guy you enjoy being around. A bull must be in alignment with your goals as a hotwife couple. Also, seeking out the qualities that matter to you is essential in creating a mutually beneficial sexual relationship. Ask the questions that go beyond the surface level and wait for the right one to come along.

This article originally appeared in the August 2020 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.