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Starting as a Dominant

Sex Positive Me

Entering the BDSM community can be intimidating, but often more for the dominant than the submissive. Here's why.

I’ve been in the kink lifestyle -- meaning swinging -- for over 10 years, but it’s only been the last year that I have been exploring BDSM. My wife and I have were familiar with the local dungeon, and started with weekly roping classes. Soon, it became classes twice a week plus a weekend night. Then the conventions started. Overall, the community has been extremely welcoming and nonjudgmental, but I’m beginning to see a difficulty in penetrating public play in this arena.

Rules and Regulations for Subs and Doms

For a sub, experienced or new, there usually seems to be an abundance of experienced doms ready to play. I’ve watch the negotiations occur and scene play out from roping to cupping, electrical to impact play. From a distance these look like carefully planned intimate ballets even though the parties may have just met. In this exchange, the responsibility of the sub is to give feedback and enjoy the ride. Rarely do I hear safe words used, and in the end the scene completes and aftercare occurs in some aspect.

However, I’m finding for a new dom, the process is quite different. As a dom, they are the architect of the scene, the planner and the safety monitor. Although the sub holds the power to stop at any point, the intricate details of those moments are theirs to control. As many of the activities we perform have an inherent risk involved, the reputation of a dom is paramount for his/her future play and place in the community. Most subs and doms will vet potential playmates with their peers before entering into any type of play.

So, here lies the predicament: If your potential submissive playmates are limited by your reputation and, as a newbie, you have no reputation, where does one start? Putting my personal situation aside, how would a lone inexperienced dom enter this arena? I’ve watched some smooth-talk themselves into scenes or search out the subs who are new or just play with anyone. This usually doesn’t end with the optimal results.

In my observations, relying on your community has been the only real option. Be honest and put your intentions out there. Ask for help, and if you can, find a willing mentor. Most people are willing to share their skills, techniques and knowledge. This process of forging friendships and trust will take time, patience and effort, but there are no shortcuts and the results are usually worth it.