The multitude of labels in "the Lifestyle" can often become confusing, especially to new explorers. To add to the complexity, as with all language, the meaning of some labels evolves over time, leaving even those experienced in the Lifestyle scratching their heads. 

The word Hotwife seems to be one of those labels! It is used in a variety of contexts, but what does it really mean? Is there an overlap between hotwifing and swinging, or are they totally separate activities? Let's explore these questions...

If We're Swingers, is She a Hotwife?

As you read profiles or converse with people in "the Lifestyle," you are likely to hear the term Hotwife often dropped in. As a result, it is easy to think that "Hotwife" is simply a name for the women who are in the lifestyle. Then you have a conversation with someone who tells you that in their Hotwife relationship, the husband isn't "allowed" to play and might think a Hotwife is not part of a swinging couple. Which fits the definition of a Hotwife? Well, both, really.

Swinging, Hotwifing, & The ENM Lifestyle

Hotwife is an umbrella term that simply indicates that in a relationship, the woman plays with others with the consent of her primary partner. This means that for those who swing, the female partner can rightly be referred to as a Hotwife when, as part of their CNM lifestyle, they engage in play times where the female partner plays with additional partners while her primary partner encourages, enables, and may even engage with her while she does so. What separates this from full swap swinging is that his focus remains on her rather than another playmate of his own for this activity. (Note: This would be true even if he is not present for the actual playtime.)

However, there are also many who find pleasure in being in a relationship where only the woman plays sexually with others. She is also a Hotwife! There are those who will argue that swinging and hotwifing must be understood as mutually exclusive. In doing so, they seek to define the relationship by the man's role. "If he ever plays with other women also, they are called swingers; if he doesn't, she is a Hotwife." I would disagree with this definition because I believe the definition of "Hotwifing" must be based on the Hotwife's activities to be logically consistent. Therefore, there is an overlap between these two styles of play where some CNM couples enjoy the best of both worlds and will choose to engage in each on different occasions! I will concede, however, that for those couples where only the woman plays, and the man never does, they may rightly call "Hotwifing" more than just a style of play but rather their lifestyle.

Ultimately, the freedom of being in the Consensual Non-Monogamous (CNM) Lifestyle is that a couple who finds it exciting and enjoyable when the woman plays with additional sexual partners may choose either (or both) of these for their pleasure and satisfaction.

If She is a Hotwife, Does that Mean He is a Cuck?

It should also be mentioned that while some are proud to claim the title of Hotwife, other couples shy away because the term seems to have specific attributes attached to it that make them uncomfortable. This confusion results from hearing about or talking to various Hotwives or their partners and not realizing that each is only an individual expression of a wide spectrum of fun. 

On one end of the spectrum is the often-recognized Cuckold dynamic. Cuckold styles of play will give all the power to the woman who is turned on by the power as much as the sexual experience. Her male partner is aroused by his sense of powerlessness, which is often reinforced by the humiliation and degradation added by his partner about her sexual activities that he has no control over. This is a powerfully arousing experience for some and a huge turn-off for others. However, this is not the only expression of Hotwifing!

Across the spectrum, on the other end, you will see what we often recognize as a type of Dom/sub relationship, where the male is the Dominant and, at his instruction, the woman plays sexually with others. In this style of play, the man will enjoy his (consented) control over his partner's sexuality, and she truly enjoys the experience of submission. 

Exposed only to these examples, some people become uneasy about the term Hotwife because they have only ever heard or seen the far ends of the spectrum. Playing in either of these styles fits under the Hotwife dynamic, but neither is the definition of Hotwife play. Both of these examples involve power play, which can be fun and erotic for those who enjoy it, but it is simply not for everyone. That's why it is important to understand that there is still so much more to find on the Hotwife spectrum as you slide into the middle.

Stag / Vixen Hotwifing Dynamic

It is somewhere in that middle that you find a style of Hotwife play called Stag / Vixen. In a Stag / Vixen couple, while the woman is still the primary player, the power is shared and more balanced. There is no degradation and no humiliation. The male partner, the Stag, proudly approves of his Vixen's sexual adventures, even helping to select her partners or at least giving his approval before she plays. The Vixen uses her playtimes as a form of foreplay to feed the desires and fantasies of her Stag because her ultimate goal is to reconnect sexually and emotionally with him after her playtime is over. 

Stags enjoy knowing how desirable their Hotwives are, so they are often eager to show them off in sexy clothes and activities. Vixens enjoy being desired and are pleased that it makes their Stag proud. Seeing their wives play gives the Stag joy because, just as is true across all of the Hotwife spectrum of play, he experiences her pleasure as a personal satisfaction because he has given her that experience with his consent. Vixens often feel an enhanced eroticism in the playtimes, knowing that their physical pleasure is also stoking their Stag's desire for them, making her the ultimate object of her man's fantasies.

What is a "Bull?"

On either of the far ends of the Hotwife spectrum, the added male playmates are often referred to as “Bulls” to denote their role as a form of superior specimen selected to service the Hotwife. Women in Cuckold relationships will select Bulls that they can contrast to their partner, adding to his experience of powerlessness, while male Doms might select Bulls who will reinforce their partner’s enjoyment of her (consented) submissive role. For many in Hotwifing relationships, especially in the Stag / Vixen style of play, the term Bull and related implications are often rejected or avoided. This is because the role of the added playmate can often be considered as that of a living sex toy agreed upon by the couple to be enjoyed by the Vixen. In these cases, the added partner is not expected or welcome to exhibit any type of dominance or superiority over the primary partner. They are an invited guest of the Stag, with the consent of the Hotwife, and will behave in such a manner. In many cases, the Stag’s enjoyment will be enhanced by joining the playtime, either watching or participating (or both) with her while she plays!

Conclusion

Discussed here are only three Hotwife expressions found on the spectrum. It is important to remember that they are not the whole spectrum! There are so many more variations to be found as you slide your Hotwife explorations to either side. That is the beauty of sexual exploration; you can explore what turns you on. 

Hopefully, now you feel armed with more information that you can use to map your own Hotwifing desires with your partner. Wherever a Hotwifing couple lands on this spectrum, the measure of success should always be mutual satisfaction and joy. If you are both experiencing satisfaction and joy, then you are where you want to be! If you are not, STOP. It is time to change something. But this doesn't necessarily mean you must stop exploring a Hotwife relationship; you might just need to slide on the spectrum in one direction. As you can see, there is plenty of room to explore!

*Editor's Note: This article explains the author's perspective on the nuances of Hotwifing and Swinging; some definitions and labels differ from those in our Hotwifing Guide. The open lifestyle is just that — liberated from convention and practiced by individuals who make and define it on their own terms. Communication is key, as always, so be clear about your dynamics and how you define the labels you choose when playing with others.