By Tabitha Beaumont
Ms. Ed, Sex Educator, Intimacy Coach & Adult Entertainer

All too often, we hear in the swinging community how single men are really not welcomed into play spaces. They are often shunned due to bad behavior, ignorant of the culture, protocols, and how they fit in within the particular dynamics of different swinging relationships. Sex clubs and public play parties will often discourage single-male participation with high entrance or membership fees and a general lack of welcoming enthusiasm for their presence. 

However, within the plethora of erotic practices and dynamics, one very specific dynamic is hurt most by this disparage — the Hotwife and the Stag/Vixen relationship. The following definitions are provided to better understand these dynamics within the swinging lifestyle.

Bull

The term Bull is used to describe a man who has sex with women who are in committed relationships with other men. In some cases, the interaction between the Bull and the woman is meant to humiliate the woman’s partner (a cuckold) by making him feel inferior to the Bull. In other cases, like when a Bull has sex with a Vixen or a Hotwife, there is no humiliation aspect involved. The woman’s partner both knows about and encourages her sexual exploration with her Bull.

Bull-Hopeful

A Bull-Hopeful is a guy (single or otherwise) who is trying to woo a woman in a committed relationship (such as a Cuckoldress, Hotwife, or Vixen) into allowing him to have sex with her. By using this term, it is usually referring to the flirty time before any sex has taken place. However, given that some women collect a stable of returning Bulls rather than having many one-night-stand Bulls, a Bull-Hopeful might have had sex with the woman a few times but has yet to earn full Bull status and enter her stable of regulars.

Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM)

Individuals or groups can identify as CNM, which means that everyone in the relationship has consented to being in a non-monogamous relationship: 

• A married couple that decides they are both OK with the other having sex with other people (i.e., an open marriage). 
• A triad all dating each other or a guy whose girlfriend is dating another guy who, in turn, is dating another girl (examples of poly relationships). 
• Two couples who have sex as a foursome (aka, swingers). 

These are all examples of CNM. And, because everyone involved has consented to the arrangement, none of this is cheating. This term is often used interchangeably with ENM; it’s probably best to consider them to be equivalent whether you think they should be or not.

Hotwife

A Hotwife is a woman in a committed relationship who has sex with other people (mostly other men, who are often called her Bull) because both she and her partner think it is sexy for her to do so. Hotwifing differs from Cuckolding because it lacks the humiliation aspect. However, given how masculinity is perceived, there are some people who argue that there is always an element of humiliation if your wife has sex with other men. (I personally wholeheartedly disagree. See also Stag and Vixen).

Stag

A Stag is a man in a committed relationship who enjoys it when and encourages his female partner to have sex with other men. The Stag might enjoy watching his partner (usually called a Vixen when paired with a Stag, but Hotwife is fairly interchangeable), participating with her (MFM or gangbang), or simply knowing it is occurring or hearing about it after. Unlike a Cuckold, there is no element of submission or humiliation for the Stag.

Vixen

A Vixen is a woman in a committed relationship who has sex with men (referred to as a Bull) other than her partner (who is called a Stag). A Vixen’s “dates” with her Bulls are done with the knowledge and encouragement from her Stag (and therefore, she is in no way cheating on her partner!) with no element of domination meant on her Stag, which is how it differs from a Cuckold relationship. The terms Vixen and Hotwife seem relatively synonymous and interchangeable, but recently, I’ve been favoring Stag/Vixen as a relationship descriptor over Hotwife.

As a Hotwife within a Stag/Vixen dynamic, with over a decade of both participating in this style of the swinging lifestyle — as well as working as an intimacy coach with couples attempting to enter into the Hotwife S/V dynamic — I have always found the most difficult part of this dynamic was finding quality Bulls for personal one-on-one play as well as qualified players for gangbang parties. So often, single men will lament the lack of opportunities to participate in the S/V dynamic outside of the Cuckold practice. Hence, we circle back to the gate-kept carousel of a lack of single men and the reasons stated in the introduction. 

Although this article will be focused on the potential Bull, if you are a couple within or looking to enter into an S/V dynamic, this is a good introduction to what makes a well-rounded Bull for personal and group play.

Be Aware of the Dynamic of Which You Seek

OK, my budding Bulls, this is of utmost importance. As you begin to meet your potential Hotwife/Vixen (more about how to meet these ladies later), it is crucial that you absolutely adhere to transparent communication. You MUST understand fully what dynamic you are being asked to join and if that dynamic is acceptable to your own vision of sexual fantasy, kink, swing, and sexual curiosity. If you are suddenly drawn into a Cuckold situation where that makes you uncomfortable, you may be thrown off by the experience. So, be able to have open and honest discussions with your potential playmate. Remember, a Hotwife/Vixen and Cuckoldress always has a primary partner; therefore, you must be aware of how he fits into the dynamic — both in her personal life (husband/boyfriend/play partner, etc.) and how he will figure into the play dynamic. Some men love to watch their wife, some wives play on their own, a Cuck usually needs humiliation play from the Bull, and so on. This means that the burden of questions is on you as the potential partner. 

Think about YOUR personal limits and fantasies; what are you willing to try, and what turns you on about being the Bull for this couple? Do you play well with others as per a gangbang or more-some dynamic? Are you prone to emotional entailments with the women you have sex with? Do you have jealous tendencies? Are you OK with incidental contact with other men? These are all questions you must sort out in your own head and heart before the interview process with your potential Vixen. Also, keep your ears open for her cues and statements about her dynamic, as it is very easy to just hear the word “sex” over and over and miss the subtle nuances that may possibly be red flags for your personal experience.

Respect Respect Respect

Linking with the above paragraph, it is CRUCIAL that you first and foremost respect the dynamic in which you agree to play. A married couple bringing in a Bull is still a married couple first. That dynamic will always trump your involvement. If your fantasy is to sidle into a relationship to break it up and claim the woman as your own (I have seen this many times), this might not be the place for you, or try discussing it with the couple as a possible roleplay scenario. However, a partnered couple will have limitations on time, communication, and sexual practice, and you, as the invited Bull, must, without question, respect any boundaries put upon you. For example, if you are asked not to call but to text only, then only text. If you are told that the husband must be in the room at all times when play occurs, and you agree, do not begin to complain to the Vixen after the fact. Also, remember that the Vixen with which you play is someone’s wife, fiancé, or girlfriend first. If you disrespect her, you also disrespect her partner, and this will not invite a good reputation in the play circuit. The greater the respect for the personal dynamic, boundaries, and limits, the more valuable you will be to that couple, as well as endearing good recommendations to other couples within the community.

Consent is Key

In a world where consent is hammered home with the hammer of Thor himself, the Bull is not remiss of consent once invited into the play space. In fact, you now have TWO people who must grant consent. Respecting the boundaries laid down by your Stag/Vixen couple is critical to being asked to return. This can be as simple as a no-kissing rule (very common) or a request not to engage the Cuck if that is the scenario. This is especially important at a first play date or in a gangbang situation. The phrase “never assume” is key — just because ten guys have pleasured the Vixen before you does not mean she welcomes your advance. Ask if it’s OK to touch her, even if she is in the throes of passion with another. A lack of response does not imply consent. A visual or verbal affirmation is a must, as well as referring to the point of understanding the dynamic. If the couple is in an M/s (Master/slave) or Dominant/submissive dynamic, you may need permission from her partner to play within a given scenario. A lack of boundaries does not imply consent, and communication of such boundaries must be had beforehand in small groups or one-on-one play. Gangbang and large group play must have, at a bare minimum, visual consent (a nod, a hand gesture, etc.) to commence play.

Confidence Unlocks Many Doors

The definition of confidence, as per the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is as stated:

Confidence: noun- a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances. A faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way. 

Confidence is not arrogance, bravado, or entitlement. It is the calm energy that you are where you belong, you own your actions, and you will be done right by the people with whom you are involved. Many will say that confidence as a Bull is a “fake it ‘til you make it” situation; however, this is not true. Faking it will be very obvious to any experienced players involved, and you may not be invited back into play spaces. 

To gain confidence, you MUST be an educated player. Study the game. Interested in a gangbang but have never been to one? Ask the host of a gangbang party if you can observe without playing your first time. The wonderful thing about the swinging community is that we LOVE to educate. Most hosts are very welcoming to the learning process with respectful individuals. Asking questions, making respectful observations, and showing a willingness to learn will not only put you in good standing in the community — it will be priceless toward building your confidence within a play space or in a one-on-one situation. The more knowledge you have about dynamics, your own skills, and the quality and value you bring to a situation, the more your confidence will build. As your surefootedness blossoms, you will find yourself being more welcomed into play, therefore building your confidence to be a sought-after Bull within a community of quality players. Remember, you are the “Bull,” not the “bullshit.” Don’t let the title of “Bull” go to your head. A streak of humility, and an understanding that this will be an ever-evolving practice with an infinite learning curve, will go a long way to ensure your personal growth as a quality player, expert lover, and possible community leader.

Be the Lover You Claim to Be

Having the biggest dick in the room does not a Casanova make. And although it may initially open doors for certain parties, if you don’t know how to use it with skill and empathy to your partner’s needs (as per any size), you won’t be the one chosen for play very often. To be an amazing, well-sought-out lover, one must check their ego at the door and educate oneself. Remember a few key things in your journey toward becoming the ultimate lover:

1) Every woman is different, 

and the big one —

2) PORN is NOT REALITY. 

Learning a woman’s anatomy is very important, and since sex education in this country is severely lacking, it is up to you to know more than the basics taught in 10th-grade bio. There are a plethora of amazing books devoted to the shared sexual experience readily available in any community library or online. Do your homework, do your research, absorb what women tell you, and take direction from your partners. Sex is fun, it's messy, it’s silly, and it’s hot. Don’t be afraid to laugh with your partner through the awkward moments as you learn their needs, desires, and body. Remember… performance anxiety hits even the most experienced of Bulls, and as a lifestyle coach, I always recommend taking an erection enhancement product like Cialis to help alleviate potentially awkward situations. Even if you are what is considered “young and virile,” you never know when you will get into your own head so much that your “Primary Asset” decides to take a smoke break. As stated in the beginning of this section, put your ego aside, and do what is needed to be the best lover you can be.

Hygiene

When discussing attributes that appeal to other Vixens and various Hotwives, as well as the various turn-offs within the lifestyle, one topic seems to come up with much reoccurrence — hygiene. This is such a prominent topic that it needed its own category in this article. “But Ms. Beaumont, I ALWAYS shower before a play date!!” you may emphatically claim, but when measured against what most women in the lifestyle consider hygiene, men often come up short. It’s not just about a shower when you get home from work, but personal care and maintenance that not only make you more appealing to the eye and nose but make you a healthy lover. Most men never really put much consideration into something as trivial as their nails; however, given the fact that much good quality foreplay has those fingers inside your partner somehow, having clean nails that will not transfer bacteria into sensitive areas is very important. 

If you enjoy giving oral sex as a man on a hairless nether region, it stands to reason your partners will like a freshly manscaped playing field as well. Hair in the pubic area can collect much sweat and bodily secretions, so maintaining a very clean or clear area is very important. Some studies and articles recently decry the shaving/waxing of the pubic area for health concerns and should be thoroughly researched before committing to a routine so as not to have sores or sensitive areas during playtime. 

Scent is of utmost importance, and although some people do sport a natural scent kink, the majority of women I have discussed this with seemed to agree on a very basic scent preference for their Bulls — clean, fresh, and masculine but not overpowering. Another hygiene topic that seems to be an all-or-nothing dealbreaker with almost ALL of the women I have discussed this with is dental hygiene. Having well-preserved, healthy teeth and good breath is paramount for what is usually the gateway to intimacy — kissing. If you are planning on being an epic Bull, before you flash your massive dick pics, start with a killer smile. Keeping a small hygiene kit with you for play parties and encounters is of utmost necessity. Included should be a toothbrush and mouthwash, as well as moist towelettes such as baby wipes, mints, and antibacterial gel for sensitive skin. Of course, always carry condoms and lube.

But I’m Not “The Rock”

No. You are not. You are you. Even The Rock is not The Rock. He is Dwayne Johnson and has his own issues, fears, limits, boundaries, etc. You can only be the best version of yourself and be the most sought-after Bull because of your willingness to give and receive pleasure with skill and an open mind. A perfect body or face is not, never has been, nor ever will be, the requirement. Remember, beauty within the male or female gaze is subjective. Preferences will vastly vary depending on so many factors that can be as deep as cultural exposure and as superficial as a passing mood for a one-time roleplay. No matter what your body type or physical features, lead with your skill and confidence. Exhibiting confidence and having the chops to back it up will make you one thousand times more attractive in any situation. Also, remember that this is also quid pro quo — you cannot expect perfection in your partner. Vixens come in all shapes, stages, sizes, and abilities, and judge not, lest ye be judged. That being stated, it is always fine to have sexual preferences. However, if you find your preferences are extremely limiting your play, you may need to reevaluate those preferences.

Listen with Your Brain, Not Your Cock

It goes without saying that sex, in general, is exciting. Add the decadence, energy, and atmosphere of a play party or of a new encounter, and you have a heady and intense experience ahead of you. It is easy to get caught up in all of that electricity and lead with your primal instincts. However, within these moments, it is crucial to take a deep breath and remember where you are, who you are, and who you are with. These are the moments where reminding yourself that “real life does not operate like adult film” is very important. 

Keep your eyes and ears on your partner, and unlike in most porn films, spit is not the best lube. Women, especially in a gangbang situation, will need the comfort and ease that a good lube provides. Be mindful of her verbal and physical cues, and if she says NOT to do something or she needs something, pay attention, and do not let your ego get in the way. Providing her with an erotic experience is the name of the game. 

Things to remember in the heat of the moment are that most average women cannot put their knees behind their heads, as seen in so many adult films. Be mindful of her physical limits, work in them, and never make her feel less than because she is not a nineteen-year-old gymnast. Many Bulls are sought after for their strong endowments, but that comes with its own set of cautions. If you are very endowed, a woman may need to start in less intense positions, such as missionary, to settle onto your size and get used to it. Conversely, if you are of more average or smaller endowments, you need to use positions to best utilize your equipment, such as doggy style. 

Let your Vixen guide you into what positions feel best for her, especially when establishing a connection. Another thing to remember, as per most porn that often features a “jackhammer” type penetration, is that most women cannot achieve orgasm in this fashion (fewer than 20% of women can orgasm from penetration alone). When being penetrated to the big “O,” most women seem to fare best with long, slow, rhythmic strokes that give a push upward and in at the base. Of course, also unlike porn, way more foreplay is needed to bring your partner to readiness — even in a ganging situation. 

The bottom line is that every woman is different, and you will have to keep your head clear of preconceived notions in order to be the best lover you can be, as well as an expert listener, observant body language reader, and mindfully patient.

Don’t Assume the Fantasy

All this advice may seem skewed and positioned in favor of the Hotwife’s pleasure and fantasy, and it is for several reasons — there is less of her and more of you, and the luxury of choice in partners and experiences is directed by her. Women own the swinging world. And women are the gatekeepers of the practice within the lifestyle and within the Stag/Vixen dynamic. The woman will often be the driving force of which experiences she consents to, even if the Stag is the Dominant in the relationship. That being stated, you must come into this practice with a desire to be HER fantasy — fulfill her fantasies, and in turn, that desire is YOUR fantasy. Don’t assume that your fantasies are her fantasies and that every woman wants what appeals to you in adult films. This keeps the erotic energy flowing within the S/V dynamic, and this giving nature toward sex and pleasure will make you a more attractive Bull. Common fantasies and parties populated by the Hotwife are gangbangs, so a willingness to share and the ability to “play well with others” is highly valued. Be aware of the type of party you are going to, and for a personal one-on-one play, ask your playmate about her fantasies and desires. A willingness to listen and guide her experience will boost your confidence, her confidence in your ability, and is overall damn sexy.

Time is Precious

All encounters have a time limit, whether that is the time frame of a private party or a one-on-one encounter. Many women in a Stag/Vixen dynamic have time limits on play dates, especially when playing one-on-one without the primary partner in attendance, and those protocols must be respected. When asking questions of a potential play partner, asking if there are time limits beforehand will help you tailor your shared experience. If you know that her time limit is two hours, do not try to canoodle an extra hour during the encounter, or you will appear less trustworthy to the couple. Oftentimes, extra time can be allowed when negotiated properly between the couple for special circumstances and within their personal protocols, so make sure you allow for planning within the primary relationship. 

Within play parties and gangbang events, there will be many men in attendance, and the women will often want to sample many men during the night. As tempting as it is, try not to be possessive of your favorite partner and monopolize her time longer than would be appropriate. Each party and circumstance will be different, so be mindful and observant.

A Primary Partner EXISTS

Especially if you are new to the Stag/Vixen dynamic as a Bull. The reality of there being a primary partner for your playmate can be jarring to some. When caught up in the heat of the moment, especially in one-on-one play, it is easy to forget that this woman is not in an emotionally intimate relationship with you and that what you are encountering is, in fact, recreational sex — or, as some of us call it, “Sport Sex.” There will be limits, boundaries, rules, protocols, practices, and agreements between the partners that were laid down and established well before you entered the picture. And while many dynamics are continually evolving through communication and practice, you and your skills and talents will most likely not persuade them far from the couple’s current path and practice. Being mindful and respectful of the primary partner (yes, even before and after a Cuckold encounter) will make you a very sought-after and respected Bull within the community. 

Within the party circuit, many husbands/primary partners accompany their Hotwife. Within social times at these parties, it is very welcomed and common to engage in conversations with the couple together, shake the partner’s hand, and even compliment them on their Hotwife’s beauty/skill/prowess, etc. Many primary partners will sexually participate (this may be a rule within the dynamic), so being mindful, welcoming, and encouraging of the primary partner’s participation will be very welcome and is usually viewed as very sexy. 

One-on-one play will often include the primary partner in other ways, including safety calls and check-ins, sexy documentation such as photos or videos, or a phone call to verify naughty participation. Always ask your potential partner how their primary partner wants to participate, and be prepared and respectful of the answer, as well as being honest with yourself. If you are not comfortable with his participation, be honest and move on to your next potential Hotwife. 

And, most of all, do NOT try to get between a Stag and his Vixen by trying to manipulate their rules of engagement. On a personal note, one of the most impressive displays of partner acceptance from a potential playmate was a gentleman who was in the medical field and asked for my primary partner’s phone number in case of a medical emergency during playtime. I found not only his concern for my safety to be hot as hell, but his acknowledgment of my partner quite a turn-on. He is now a regular and favorite Friend with Benefits.

Have Your Own Protocols and Boundaries

The women and couples you play with will have their own protocols and boundaries, and it is of mutual importance for you to get to know them and for them to inform you. This being stated, you MUST understand your own limits and boundaries and establish well-communicated protocols with any and all potential play partners, as well as regular revisits with current play partners as needed. Everyone’s boundaries are different, and often different for different people. Take time to examine what you are willing and able to accommodate with your partners, your established practices, and routines for establishing consent. Know in your head how you will gracefully respect other peoples’ protocols, or respectfully decline if their practice and yours do not mesh. It is often common practice to revisit your protocols and limits as you learn and grow to have better and more rewarding experiences.

Vetting: Understanding the Community

The swinging and recreational sex community is both huge and small at the same time. For a community so far-reaching, diverse, and broad, the community circle within dynamic demographics and geographic locations is often tight-knit and well-communicated, with networks of participants reaching far and wide. It is paramount to understand that the words of misbehavior, disrespect, and uncouth practice have resounding ramifications within the ripples and circles of the areas in which you play. People who enhance the community, are supportive, play well with others, and are social and skilled will have their reputations upheld highly. This is the vetting process. 

As a new member of the community, you will often be watched, rated, and evaluated by party organizers. As a Hotwife, I regularly network, meet, and play with other Hotwives. We share our good experiences and are usually VERY vocal about the negative ones. If you prove to be a high-quality participant, you may notice the invitations to the coveted private parties start rolling in. Conversely, it is very easy to be blacklisted far and wide for inappropriate, devious, and rude practices. I have seen men be banned from popular parties by just a single bad review from a well-celebrated Hotwife, and seen men rise to sex-club royalty from positive experiences with the same people. Once your reputation is tarnished, it can take years to get back into the community, even within hundreds of miles.

Finding Playmates and Play Parties

Once you have figured out that being a Bull is for you and this very sexy practice is just what you need to fulfill some very erotic fantasies — and you’ve considered your entrance-stage boundaries, limits, and protocols — you are ready to go to a play environment to see if it is really something for you. Not just in fantasy, but in reality. Now, it’s time to find a play space. 

In every city in the world, you can find both high-quality and questionable sex clubs. Some have been established for years, and some are pop-ups. Many people first dip their toes into the swinging pool by visiting a sex club. I am fortunate to live in NY with some very well-established sex clubs only a train ride away in Manhattan. If this is where you would like to begin, start by researching the club. Many only accept single guys on certain nights or for certain events. Remember, men ALWAYS pay the premium price in any club or party situation to keep quality players in the ranks rather than men who are looking for cheap sex. 

Once you have found the club you want to try, go in with low expectations. By that, I mean do not go in like a Power Bull, thinking you will fuck every woman you see. Start out going for the experience; take in the sights, the sounds, the voyeuristic sex, the heightened senses, and the sexually charged atmosphere. Socialize without expectation as if you were at your neighborhood bar, and let the energy lead the night. The experience is worth the price of admission. Although you may not actually have sex your first time at a club or party, still be a Boy Scout, and be prepared. Bring your favorite condoms, and the most experienced guys know that lube is their friend and will carry the small packets in their pockets. 

The next step is attending open play parties. These are often found on websites that cater to swingers and alternative sexual practices, such as SDC, and can give a menu of many sights dedicated to sex lifestyles. The fact that you are reading this article on SDC.com says you already have done some navigation in this direction. Explore these sights and see what parties are of interest and open to single guys and unvetted men. Once you get into these parties, it really is the same. Keep it low-pressure, be social, and go with the flow. Approach the women you are interested in but never be offended if they refuse. Enjoy the social aspect and the highly sexual atmosphere. When you are relaxed and confident, opportunities will often come to you. 

A topic that must be addressed in this section is one of recreational drugs and alcohol. There is definitely a degree of tension and anxiety in doing something new, and entering the swinging community as a fresh Bull can have a degree of stress built in, but refrain from “chemical assistance” to lubricate the experience, as both drugs and alcohol inhibit behavior, judgment, alter personality, and, most of all, can disrupt sexual function at a key moment. Nothing is worse than losing standing in a new community for being under the influence. Many times, a young Bull has not been able to maintain an erection due to too much pot before a party. 

While exploring the websites dedicated to swinging, a great way to meet, mingle, and ingratiate yourself in the community is to find community groups and munches within an acceptable driving distance. There are thousands on social media alone. Check out your local meet-and-greets and enjoy socializing with like-minded people. Remember, never be afraid to ask questions, do research, and explore your fantasies in a way that is Safe, Sane, and Consensual. 

~ Happy Swinging.

This article originally appeared in the April 2023 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine