An editorial essay by Jay Mojas

I once heard a story about a small, rundown rescue station on the rocky shoreline of a little coastal town. The brave volunteers there would launch small boats into cold, stormy waters whenever they received a distress call. They were understaffed, poorly funded, and largely unrecognized by the rest of the town, yet their efforts saved countless lives.

One day, a well-meaning reporter highlighted their work in a feature story. Soon, the station drew attention, and many flocked to join. Membership swelled as being part of the rescue station became a badge of honor. However, not everyone who joined had boating skills or experience. The station expanded roles to include everyone: some worked on facilities, and others fundraised or handled publicity, while some continued to take out the rescue boats when called. With new resources, the station grew, improving its facilities and becoming a hub for community events.

Over time, the station's focus shifted. During a gala celebrating their history, a distress call came in from a sinking boat. Several of the (now in the minority) rescue-trained members launched their boats and plucked the tired and scared victims from the cold waters, returning to the station to find the party still in full swing. The rescued individuals, dripping with seawater and sand, proved to be quite a disruption to the event. Some members complained about the banquet food being shared, and others complained that the new floors were dirtied. A debate followed, and the majority of the members voted to suspend rescue operations to preserve their newly polished image. They even renamed the station "The Valor Society," distancing themselves from the messy, dangerous work of doing actual rescues.

They explained that they just felt that the name "Rescue Station" had the connotation of a small, unimpressive outpost, and that might give new members the impression that they should engage in rescue activities. After that, the events resumed without interruption, much to the delight of many of the members.

A handful of frustrated members left, founding a new rescue station in a small rundown building a little further down the coast. It is said that if you visited that shoreline today, you'd find one small, rundown rescue station at the end of a row of elegant clubhouses.

I do not share this tale as a critique of change; evolution is essential for growth. Instead, what I hope it illustrates is how a headlong pursuit to broaden appeal can lead to division, which is counter to growth. In the case of the story, the divisions created even alienated those who were once the torchbearers of a great movement. This is, in fact, a risk that I see truly growing in "The Lifestyle" today.

"The Lifestyle" was a "Swinger" Synonym, But Not Anymore

Since the 1950s, the term Swinger has been in use by committed couples engaging in consensual, recreational sexual encounters with others to describe themselves. They adopted the word from those who used it before to describe a person who is lively, active, and modern. But as the term “wife swapping” became less attractive, perhaps due to its less than subtle impression that wives were viewed as the property of the husbands who, therefore, could choose to swap them, Swinger became the preferred label by those enjoying what was then recognized as the “Swing Lifestyle.” What was once a very secret subculture has over the decades moved out of the deepest shadows to occupy a place that is a little more visible in modern times, though still those involved mostly practice a lot of personal discretion about their involvement. As a result, instead of existing only in secret house parties, swinger clubs, takeover events, destinations, and online communities were born and grew to help those who identified as Swingers to connect with others in the Swing Lifestyle.

As the community grew, more parties, clubs, and groups formed to meet the rising numbers of those seeking to be part of the Swing Lifestyle social scene. As a result, those that were part of the OG swinger crowd now find themselves sharing the spaces with many other similar groups under the ethical non-monogamy (ENM) umbrella, including hotwifing couples, voyeurs, kinksters, polyamorists, adult content creators, and more. Since all these groups share some of the same core values, like sex positivity, body positivity, open communication, and consent, it can make for a fun mix, and it does make sense to make allies!

To reflect this great diversity, the meaning of the term Lifestyle has experienced an evolution. While it was once used primarily as a discreet synonym of the term Swinger, it is now very commonly used as an overarching label for all those who want to be connected to the ENM lifestyle for their version of sexual play. While inclusivity is commendable, it has also led to two tensions now simmering in our beloved subculture.

The Lifestyle Includes Swingers

The first tension I see rising in the Lifestyle also mirrors the warning of the Rescue Station story. Those who identify as Swingers are feeling less valued in the community they helped create. For example, since the label Lifestyle no longer specifically identifies Swingers — but rather it represents the entire ENM subculture — it no longer works as a synonym for the Swinger, and now there are some today who are actively trying to discourage the use of the term Swinger within the Lifestyle! They cite reasons like avoiding the stigma they believe is associated with the term and ensuring discretion in the vanilla world. (I believe both of these arguments quickly fall apart under any scrutiny, but that would be enough content for another whole article.)

To sidestep presumed misconceptions about the word Swinger, some people are suggesting we abandon the word. A well-meaning Lifestyle friend has personally scolded me for using the term Swinger to self-identify because it could cause others to assume I was participating in "key parties" or "nameless orgies." (Which is not true in my case, but would it even matter? Isn't kink-shaming counter to our values in the Lifestyle?) I was surprised by this assumptive association and even more surprised to learn, when I asked around, that other Lifestyle friends had been having similar experiences recently. I believe that while the motive for this proposal might be to improve or protect the image of the Lifestyle, the result is actually doing damage. The impact of this label shaming, if it works, is that Swingers, therefore, become an unnamed group just in and among the others in the Lifestyle and so find their very identity harder to express. The problem is that "I am in the Lifestyle" is a sentence that no longer identifies what I am looking for. With the term Swinger being shunned, a couple that is specifically in the Lifestyle to find other couples they can share sexual activities with finds their identity is now less acceptable.

I would propose that the way you combat misconceptions is by presenting the truth and that hiding is an ineffective way to do that. Professional non-monogamous relationship mentor, coach, and author Lauren Hayes made a strong case for defending rather than discarding the Swinger label in her SDC article titled: Reclaiming the Term "Swinger."

Some argue that our identities, and, by consequence, our labels, need not be so specific, but in a culture that values communication and honesty, that fails the logic test. This would be like insisting that all Floridians must only identify as Americans; while accurate, it lacks the specificity needed for real understanding of where they are from if you choose to visit them. People join communities to find others like themselves. Specificity matters. If you joined a classic car club, you would hope to meet people who work on cars. If you join a choir, you hope to find people who sing; if you join a knitting circle, you hope to find people who knit. So, it is simply logical that if you are a Swinger, you might make great friends with people from other ENM groups, but ultimately, you hope to find people who swing! This will be harder to do if we shame the term Swinger into disuse. Not to mention, casting shade on the term Swinger risks alienating those who originally created most of the very spaces that are so enjoyed by those in the modern Lifestyle, just as in the rescue station story. 

The Lifestyle is Defined by Values NOT Activities

The second tension is both the cause and the effect of not being loud and proud about our values as we seek to be inclusive. Just as in the story, if inclusion is not balanced with an eye steadfastly fixed on the values that should unify you, then you may lose your purpose altogether. Today, many people self-identify as being "in the Lifestyle" because they like the idea of sexual freedom and see it as a ticket to having more sex. The problem is that some of them are engaging in sexual activities behind their partner's back or using some other form of dishonesty to engage with other partners. Others are using manipulation or other forms of pressure to get their partner to engage when the partner would prefer not to. Even some in our midst are not actually interested in participating in any way beyond attending the parties. They come just because they feel safer in a place where boundaries and consent are not only spoken values but actually protected and enforced as well. It has become too common for my wife and me to meet people at clubs or resorts and, after a short conversation, realize that one partner is not really interested in the Lifestyle but rather is trying to please their partner by just being there. Similarly, it is multiple times weekly that we get messages from people seeking to meet up "privately" with the subtext that their partner won't be aware. I may generate some discontent by saying this, but it is my firm belief that these people are NOT in the Lifestyle, no matter what they want to claim. They are cheaters who have found the Lifestyle and viewed it as a way to get laid and/or claimed it as an excuse to legitimize their unethical behavior.

To be in the Lifestyle, you must share our values, not just our activities! To be sure, there have always been people like this in and around the Lifestyle; however, with the new, broadened application of the Lifestyle label, they seem to be on the rise. Perhaps this is at least in part related to the fact it is harder to define what the Lifestyle is not when it is becoming harder to explain what it is. While I want to celebrate the enhanced inclusivity we are achieving in the Lifestyle, I believe it is critical that we boldly draw lines to make it clear what we are vs. what we are not, even if it excludes some who wish to claim inclusion for their own devaluing purposes.

In summary, each ENM group brings unique styles of fun that enrich the larger Lifestyle culture; this should be celebrated, provided their unique values align with the broader ethos of the Lifestyle. The Lifestyle thrives on its variety and diversity, but we must balance the growth with respect for our roots. There’s room for everyone — newcomers and founders alike — so long as the core values are respected and protected, and everyone can be proud to express their identity.