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What Regular Therapists Don’t Get About Ethical Non-Monogamy
For many people exploring ethical non-monogamy (ENM), seeking professional guidance seems like a natural step to navigating complex emotions, boundaries, and relationship dynamics. However, the challenge is that most traditional therapists and relationship coaches have been trained in monogamy-based frameworks. This means that when non-monogamous clients seek support, they often receive advice that does more harm than good.
The Problem: Monogamy as the Default
Most therapy models operate under the assumption that monogamy is the foundation of a healthy relationship. When clients introduce non-monogamy, many therapists frame it as an obstacle to overcome rather than a valid, functional relationship style. Instead of offering tools to strengthen communication, trust, and autonomy within an ENM framework, they often default to solutions designed for monogamous couples, which can invalidate a client’s chosen relationship structure.
What Traditional Therapists Miss About ENM
- ENM is not just about sex or multiple partners
Ethical non-monogamy is about designing relationships with intention, trust, and autonomy. While some relationship structures focus on sexual exploration, others prioritize emotional connections, community, or shared experiences. Dismissing ENM as purely about sex oversimplifies its depth and ignores the intentionality behind non-monogamous relationships. - Radical communication is not a threat — it’s essential for growth
Many therapists hesitate to embrace radical communication because they fear one partner "isn’t ready" to hear what the other truly desires. But protecting someone from difficult conversations does not create security — it creates stagnation. Growth in ENM relationships requires partners to express their full, authentic selves, even when those conversations feel uncomfortable. Avoiding these discussions in an attempt to "keep the peace" can lead to suppressed emotions and unmet needs, ultimately harming the relationship. - Holding space is more than just listening
Therapists often talk about holding space for partners, but in ENM, this takes on a unique meaning. Holding space is not about merely tolerating discomfort; it is about creating an environment where partners feel safe to express their evolving needs, desires, and boundaries without fear of judgment or coercion. It requires a shift from ownership-based relationship thinking to one that values personal autonomy alongside deep connection. - Boundaries are different from control
Traditional therapy often blurs the line between boundaries and control. In monogamous relationships, boundaries can sometimes become mechanisms to prevent a partner from engaging with others. In ENM, boundaries are personal guidelines that protect one’s emotional and relational well-being, rather than restrictions placed on another person’s behavior. Therapists unfamiliar with ENM may struggle to distinguish between the two, offering advice that reinforces control instead of fostering trust and personal responsibility. - Jealousy is not a sign that ENM is failing
A common misconception is that jealousy means ENM is inherently problematic. In reality, jealousy is just an emotion, not a directive. It is an opportunity for self-reflection, deeper conversations, and identifying personal needs. Non-monogamous relationships don’t work because jealousy is absent — they work because partners develop the skills to process and navigate jealousy in a healthy way.
Finding Support That Aligns with Your Relationship
If you are exploring or practicing ethical non-monogamy, it is crucial to work with professionals who understand and respect the complexities of ENM. A coach or therapist who defaults to monogamous relationship norms may unintentionally undermine your relationship, leaving you with more frustration and confusion rather than clarity and growth.
This is why finding an ENM-informed coach is invaluable. Having a guide who understands the unique challenges and strengths of non-monogamous relationships ensures that the support you receive is not just non-judgmental but genuinely effective in helping you build fulfilling, intentional relationships.
If you are looking for guidance from someone who truly understands the depth of ethical non-monogamy, I invite you to explore coaching with me. Let’s work together to help you create relationships that thrive, on your terms. Click on my banner below to book your coaching session.
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