Our books feature fictional stories about happy couples newly exploring the lifestyle. As a result, we often receive messages from lifestyle newbies who are looking for advice after reading them. We truly enjoy being helpful and love the lifestyle, so we try to answer the questions sent to us. There is one question we often get that troubles me, and I have decided to explore why. That question is... “How do I make my spouse want to be a hotwife or a swinger?”

I have also noticed that some version of this question seems to appear in every lifestyle thread of all the forums I read. Reading the responses, I see some actually trying to offer tips and tricks and others suggesting that the effort is doomed to failure. While I do believe those predicting a negative outcome are more likely accurate, I am troubled by any attempt to answer the question as it is asked because doing so ignores the reality that the question itself is fundamentally flawed. In fact, it is nonsensical to the point that it is impossible to answer it correctly.

There is a Flaw in the Question

The problem is that the question itself is a contradiction. You might as well ask, "How do you break an unbreakable object?" Or "How can you emit a silent noise?"

Let me explain. The lifestyle is very diverse, and people within have a wide range of fetishes, kinks, and preferences. What must be understood, however, is that the lifestyle is not an activity but rather an identity. Everyone in the Lifestyle shares a core value that transcends all the playstyles, preferences, and sexualities to unify us — consent. Consent is absolutely foundational; without it, no behavior or activity should ever be considered to be participation in the lifestyle.

Since the lifestyle is a sexually themed culture and community, consent is critical to ensuring everyone is respected and protected. To this end, genuine consent must include three qualities: information, option, and unbinding.

"Information" means a person must know fully what they are agreeing to and be able to understand it. "Option" means a person must have the ability to freely choose yes or no without fear of consequence. Finally, "Unbinding" means a person must always have the right to change their own mind before or during, for any reason, if they wish to do so. (This can be remembered with the mnemonic "I.O.U. the right of consent.”) 

So here we can see the contradiction, the problem with the question — you cannot MAKE someone become CONSENSUALLY non-monogamous. The effort to MAKE your partner, whether it be by demand, manipulation, or trickery, is by definition non-consensual! Therefore, even if you were able to secure their agreement to participate using this approach, you have not joined the lifestyle, you have abused them.

The Danger in the Question

At this point, some may say, "Hey, whoa, I didn't literally mean to MAKE them join..."

That would be some good news. But the pressure-loaded phrasing of the question in the initial word choice still troubles me. In this case, it should be considered if the choice of words reveals a level of frustrated desire that might send you directly down a path toward another pitfall.

This is the fact that, in most cases, trying to convince an unwilling partner to consent to enter the lifestyle will cause conflict in the relationship. That conflict will likely snowball into mistrust and irritation if the convincing continues. The end of this path is that you are more likely to lose the relationship than enter the lifestyle! So, if you value your relationship, this path should be avoided. If you don't value your relationship, your efforts are irrelevant despite your intentions because you cannot enter the lifestyle. You lack another of the core values that unifies those who share the Lifestyle identity — respect.

Don't Try to Push Them Through the Door!

So, does this mean that if you are with a partner who is currently not open to entering the lifestyle, there is no hope for you? It absolutely does not mean that. The majority of couples currently in the lifestyle started with one person interested before the other. Some couples started off diametrically opposed to the idea and are now happily enjoying the lifestyle together. My own wife, when we were dating, learned of my swinging past and flatly stated, “Oh, hell no!” She said she would never be in a lifestyle relationship and drew a line for me. Since I truly love her, I decided that I wanted a life with her more than I wanted the lifestyle. We were married for years before SHE asked ME if we could explore the lifestyle together.

What changed so that she decided she wanted to explore? She did. Her curiosity rose to meet her own evolving self-identity, and she decided that she wanted to see if she was missing out on something fun, for her and for us. I know for a fact that if I had pushed, pulled, or demanded, she would have resisted, and her walls would have been reinforced. 

What I did instead was be honest and open with her about my fantasies. I answered her questions about my past and lifestyle truthfully when she asked. I told her the door was open if she ever wanted to talk about exploring it with absolutely no obligations. Finally, I always affirmed to her that my love was not conditional and I would never do anything or ask her to do anything without her consent. 

If You Hold the Door Open They May Decide to Walk Through

Can you see the qualitative difference in this approach versus the approach sought by the “make my partner” question? That difference is the expectation of outcome. When you set out to make your partner do something, the default expectation is that you will get your desired result if you do it just right. The approach I would propose instead is to be open, honest, and inviting without any expectation of outcome. Perhaps it is no coincidence that this is the same approach (open, honest, and inviting) that makes staying in the lifestyle successful, too! 

If you cannot be open and honest with your partner about your desires, you need to work on that first before you ever consider entering the lifestyle. However, it is the lack of expectation that really separates the “make” from the "invite" approach. Expectation radiates pressure on both people. You will feel your own expectations as snowballing hopes, possibly leading to the temptation of trying to think of ways to “make” your partner more willing. (See that? We found the root of the problem leading to the original contradictory question!) Your partner will feel any expectations, and they will either undermine their right of consent or it will be met with resistance and conflict. 

To ensure your hopes and desires, which are natural, do not add expectations to your invitations, always focus on your priorities. Your relationship and your partner are the top priorities. Therefore, love and respect trump desire. Keeping your love and respect at the forefront should overwrite the idea of trying to make your partner do anything.

It is a fact that a happy partner who feels loved and valued above all else and who knows their partner will always put them first is more likely to decide to look over their own walls and let their mind wander and expand. When they feel safe, even a once-resistant partner may find it easier to admit they have fantasies and / or desires of their own. Perhaps some of those fantasies might even have been born from hearing some of the ones you shared with them. Relationships on this footing tend to open the door for more open sexual conversations, leading to the discovery of common ground.

When common ground is found in your mutual fantasies and desires, you have a place where your partner may consent to start some explorations together!

"Together" is the Success

If you do not let expectations creep in and kill the space you both enjoy, you might find your partner ready to explore more. This may, at the very least, lead to a better monogamous sex life for you to share together. Or it may lead you into the lifestyle together. Either way, you are both enjoying your shared fantasies and desires. This is the best possible outcome for you both and your sex life, so celebrate your journey wherever it takes you — together.

In our case, the invitation approach eventually led us into the lifestyle and loving it, then to authoring erotic novels together, and then even more lifestyle-related adventures!